I have been on a birthday high. Giving myself permission to buy myself birthday gifts has resulted in a feeling of "why the fuck did I buy that?"
I am working to not judge myself for being so generous or- as my monsters say "so wasteful". I find the days this week are passing in a blur and I don't like it.
I downloaded a meditation bell app and once an hour from 8a-8p it chimes and jolts me into awareness. I find my default reaction to this chime is an inhale of breath. Interestingly the related exhale is not any deeper than "normal" and I wonder if I am forgetting to breathe during much of my day. Of course I know that can't be true! If I didn't breathe I would die. Unless I was a vampire.
Right now, at 4:15p, on my 4th bus ride...I am pausing to breathe:
* a breath for the grey, cloudless sky and how lovely the naked trees look against it
* a breath for the papercut I just noticed on my thumb
* a breath for my fun, sparkly nail polish
* a breath for my friend who is waiting for news about her dog's biopsy
* a breath for all the color I'm wearing today and how much I enjoy putting my outfits together
* a breath for the memories of work tasks I didn't complete today
* a breath for the insights I had at work and shared (mostly) eloquently in a meeting
* a breath for a bus that is empty and ahead of schedule- for light traffic on a Tuesday and for riders who are cough-free
* a breath for beginning again